If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
This girl is more easily done than said...
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
