So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
