he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
