there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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