I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
