so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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