I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I'm getting married
To pizza
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
