i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
