he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Randomize
