I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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