Im at strip club and am horny
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
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