Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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