Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
