a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
