Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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