dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
We just shotgunned beers for America
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
