Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
