Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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