About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
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