no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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