ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
