I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Randomize
