Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
