My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Randomize
