he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
If there's anything in this world better than hotboxing in the rain I haven't found it yet.
Agreed
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
