Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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