I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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