girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
