The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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