Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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