I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Randomize
