I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
