Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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