if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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