***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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