I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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