I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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