I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
