allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
