I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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