What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
