No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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