I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
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