Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
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