o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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