Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
organizing the empties. That sober.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
