i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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