I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Randomize
