I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Randomize
