3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
