I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
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