dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I love how my cats smell like pot.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
