i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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