I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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