I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
You made out with two different species that night
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Randomize
