Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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