Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
